1. Mormon pretending he's not a Mormon: note the sexy dark rimmed spectacles, button-down shirt, pressed slacks, clean-shavenness, erect posture, impeccable manners, and religious pamphlet peeking out from breast pocket. WARNING: He will expect you to wear prairie skirts and bear hordes of children. Oh, and for you to make nice with his other eight wives.
2. Hippie Crunchie Guy: t-shirt with eco-friendly logo, scruffy beard/man shadow/curly mop of uncombed hair, hemp friendship bracelet, dirty fingernails, expensive cup of organic Peruvian blend java. WARNING: You will never live up to his expectations of you. You will never be Vegan enough, passionate enough about saving the whales, or enthusiastic enough about hiking....plus the second you use actual deodorant vs. the crystal he convinced you to try, you'll be out the door.
3. Wankster from Suburbia: baggy sweatpants, loose fitting white t-shirt, oversized sneakers of the DC variety, black puffy jacket, bling, backwards fitted baseball cap, biddies. WARNING: Read what I just wrote and if you're still not convinced, check his backpack for drugs.
4. Never Been Kissed Guy: toe shoes (and I do not mean the ones worn by members of the New York City Ballet), just slightly too short workouts pants, just slightly too fitted underarmor mockneck workout top, thin framed glasses, and a messenger bag. WARNING: There is a reason he's never been kissed and it's because he is WAY too OCD to allow the exchange of saliva. Plus, even if you do manage to tear down his walls, once you've assured him he's worthy of dating, he'll leave you in search of someone much younger and prettier.
5. Hipster Guy: military jacket circa 1972, skinny jeans or corduroy pants, floppy effortlessly perfect hair, handmade scarf, Vans or Converse, canvas messenger bag, vintage vinyl collection. WARNING: Hipster Guy's middle name is narcissism. The second you even joke about his Bonnaroo bumper sticker, or hemp Jesus sandals, he'll be gone.
6. Socially Awkward/Borderline Autistic Guy: short nylon shorts, dirty white sneakers, plain colored t-shirt, i-pad, rolling luggage (even though he's not going anywhere), squinty eyes, and an uncomfortable smile that appears at inopportune times. WARNING: Though you may develop a soft spot for Socially Awkward Guy, never follow through on these feelings. He is incapable of understanding humor or irony and will talk directly to your breasts.
These are just a few types of the men who are wandering around out there. As you can see, it looks like there's something for everyone, but I'd argue that there is really almost nothing for anyone.
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